Tyler… by Randolph Jason for Gospel News Network

The recovery center where I counsel men coming down from heroin and / or meth just lost a young soul. He left the center on Tuesday and within one hour he committed suicide. After speaking with one of the other men it sounded like he had been planning this event to take place. He was under 30 years of age. I only met him once, but it hurts as if I’ve known him for years.

It’s like losing my brother all over again. The pain is always there it just hides in the corner most of the time. As soon as news of another soldier falling it comes right back before my eyes. It is always there, waiting, silently to break-free and unleash a flood of tears.

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me. ~Psalms 51:1-3 NKJB

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If we take our problems and magnify them by 100, through in pain that we no not where it comes from, we know not who caused it nor when it is going to subside, then we can catch a fleeting glimpse of what it’s like. The monsters wear all kinds of mask. Some happy, some sad, some scary but mostly ugly, hate-filled with an aroma of death lingering around the heart.

Remove love from your home drench your space with a hardened heart… make me something, give me something that will stop this pain.

Give me something that will, at the very least, be a facsimile of love. Adorn me in flowers to cover the stench of rot that is my soul. Make me new, make me something, make me anything but what I am. Stop the pain, stop the tears and most of all stop the monster that is me. Let music soothe the soul, let love cover me so that I can no longer feel the hatred that boils in my veins like lava from a volcano.Calm the winds that blow through my mind pushing me in a multitude of directions but mostly…yes… mostly away from the One true love that has never left me, that has always been with me – let me see His beauty, let me feel His touch, let me know that Jesus Christ is real, that the Way is True, the Light is bright enough to illuminate even the darkness that is within. I want to believe…I want to believe…I want to believe…

Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,
And blameless when You judge. ~Psalms 51:4 NKJB

If you know, then you know. If you don’t please try to understand before being understood. Please try to bring love where discord is found. Please try to shine Light where darkness is found.

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