5 Steps to Becoming a Recovering Codependent from Serenity Online Therapy
Recovery empowers codependents to take charge of their lives by learning to value their feelings, opinions, and needs. As self-esteem improves, codependents find the courage to challenge mistaken childhood beliefs, which then frees them to learn healthy relationship skills through practice. A common fear among codependents in early recovery is that they will become selfish, which is unfounded, because recovering codependents remain more caring than most. Recovery simply extends the abundant compassion of codependents to themselves, which is exemplified in my slogan: “I will no longer be a people pleaser. Instead, I will be a people respecter, including respecting my own needs and feelings.”
Changing dysfunctional childhood patterns of beliefs and behaviors takes time, practice, and mindfulness. Thechallenge of making such profound changes is superbly illustrated in the movie Groundhog Day. Self-centered Phil, played by amazing Bill Murray, seeks to win the love of Rita, who despises his arrogant ways. However, when Phil magically finds himself waking up repeatedly to the same Groundhog Day – more than 40 times! – he is able to replay his interactions with Rita over and over until he finally gets it right and learns how to love.Groundhog Day brings to life on the silver screen the great poet Robert Frost’s profound observation: “Our very life depends on everything recurring ’til we answer from within.” Â In other words, thank God we are given many opportunities to learn the lessons we need to learn to live a more fulfilling life.
So, let’s talk about the five steps to becoming a recovering codependent.
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Step #1: “I must overcome denial that keeps me trapped in doing the same unhelpful, mindless behaviors over and over without ever asking myself, ‘Why am I doing these things?” A basic truth of emotional healing is that you cannot fix a problem that you deny. In Groundhog Day, after repeated rejections by Rita, Phil gradually overcomes his denial by accepting that his arrogance and grandiosity are pushing her away. For codependents, overcoming denial means accepting that their relationships are not working, so they must find a better way. They must also accept that they DO have needs and feelings that DO matter, which then opens the door for them to learn how to negotiate healthy relationships that actually meet their needs.
